The Failure (Perfection) Habit
by Joseph Delgado

It's been something I've had to snap out of, but this dark cloud has loomed over me long enough. It has been a long time since I've written a story, a poem, a game, a really good article, or even a D&D adventure. I've also been working a lot of full-time jobs and coming home tired, but still I let these things, these things that made up who I was, fade to black.

My girlfriend, Karen, asked me what was wrong last Friday. I couldn't even put it into words, I said what was wrong, but it wasn't the core of the problem. She encouraged me saying that I'm still creative and that nothing has changed, that I can still do the things I used to do. I love her for saying those things, but the core of the problem is procrastination, fear, and this habit of trying to be perfect. I never used to be so concerned with perfection, of making mistakes, of marring my reputation. I guess it is the full-time jobs that have instilled this in me, what a horrible habit for someone creative to pick up. To think that everything one does is wrong and needs work. How utterly devastating it was to my self-esteem.

I guess it all started at CSR, this computer repair company that is thankfully out of Business. The CEO of that company was a mean spirited man who was very impatient and couldn't plan his way out of a paper bag. Everything had to be done yesterday and done his way, which changed every so often. Employees, myself included, worked in fear of this man. Fear because he'll put a person down and curse at them. Needless to say, the turn over was quite high. After a year of abuse, I left, but the damage had been done.

My writing and other hobbies died, I was so concerned with doing a good job, not getting fired, and getting caught up trying to earn this CEO's respect that I lost everything. I became a type-A. The last thing on this Earth, any of my friends would have thought of me. I was unhappy and trying to write without the right frame of mind is impossible.

The day came, when I announced my two weeks. What a relief it was and what a taste of sweet revenge when I told my CEO off for a change. I was so pumped up with adrenaline that I visibly shook and all that CEO could do was utter "Oh." It didn't change much, I was still a type-A and the perfection garbage ran like a virus through my mind.

My parents wouldn't stand for me being without a job for too long, so I started at Rutgers University down in central New Jersey. Rutgers has been great, but there's always politics. It took a while for these politics to surface and I still think the place is a paradise compared to CSR, but the self-perfection is still there. The perfection shifted to a matter reputation. I've worked hard to get it and now two people are doing their damn best to tarnish it in front of a new Associate Vice President. I've lost sleep, been angry, been writing up a storm in my journal, but I've forgotten one thing. It is just a job and it is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. There are thousands of other jobs, only a few dreams, and only one life. The last one is not worth endangering for just one of many sources of money.

Then there's Intervue Digest, my poetry book, and my programs, I do none of them for the money; I don't care about the money. If I can make 25% of my current salary doing just one of these things, I'll be happy for the rest of my life. So why do I care if my reputation is a little damaged? If this new guy takes what they say over the quality of my work, then I am better off someplace else. Why should I care if a CEO yelled at me? His fault and his fault alone he's out of business now. For as long as I have the things I care about and work on nurturing and growing them, I am successful and no one can take that away.

Basically I need to relearn who I was and forget about this perfection garbage. I'm not perfect and I don't care to be. I want to enjoy my life and do things that I love to do.

Thanks for reading,
Joe Delgado